Patient Arrives With WW2 Artillery Shell In His Rectum, Medics Scamper in Fear

patient

The emergency room crew at U.K.’s Gloucestershire Royal Hospital was having a hard enough time coping with the crippling Covid patient caseload and ten hour wait times for treatment. Having to call in the bomb squad, because of an explosive object a military collector “fell” on, blew their whole day. At least it didn’t get worse.

A really touchy patient

How do you examine a patient with explosives stuffed up his nether regions? Very carefully, of course. The Sun was first to report that on Thursday, December 2, “a patient was admitted with a mortar shell stuck in his rectum.”

He wasn’t especially forthcoming as to how the 17cm by 6cm projectile came to be where it was but the staff didn’t bother to question his weak explanation further. There are some questions you don’t want to know the answer to. “He was in a considerable amount of pain.”

“Uh huh,” the doctor replied as the unnamed patient told him “he had slipped and fallen on the armor-piercing projectile that was in his arsenal of military collectibles.” He was cleaning out his basement and tripped.

“The guy said he found the shell when he was having a clear out of his stuff. He said he put it on the floor then he slipped and fell on it — and it went up his ar$e.” They called police to alert them of the explosive situation and went carefully to work.

By the time police arrived, the medical teams already had extracted from their patient what was later identified as “a World War Two 57mm shell that were typically fired from six-pounder anti-tank guns.” Police didn’t want to touch the thing, so they called bomb disposal experts.

England’s Minister of Defense verifies they “can confirm an Army Explosive Ordnance Disposal team was called out to Gloucestershire at the request of local police.”

Explosive Ordnance Disposal

As soon as the 11th Explosive Ordnance Disposal Regiment got a jingle with reports “a patient had presented with a munition in his rectum,” they rushed to the hospital.

According to a spokesperson for Gloucestershire Constabulary, Army explosives experts were scrambled because the man arrived with an artillery shell stuck up his behind and “medics feared the anti-tank round could be about to explode.”

When the bomb squad arrived, they quickly confirmed that the shell was “not live” and “therefore not a danger to the public.” Without any active explosives to propel the shell. It “was a solid shot round. It was a chunky, pointed lump of lead designed to rip through a tank’s armor. It was basically an inert lump of metal, so there was no risk to life — at least not to anyone else’s.” It was still a big risk to the embarrassed patient though.

He “could have died if the round had pierced his gut.” The “sheepish patient is understood to have been released from the hospital and is expected to make a full recovery.”

According to Doctor Carol Cooper, this patient has lots of company. “The range of objects that are pushed into rectums is incredible, from wine glasses to ketchup bottles and parts of Hoovers. Sadly, it is an everyday occurrence.” This is a novelty to her though. “I have never heard of the bomb squad being called out before.”

The hospital was quick to assure everyone in the local community they did all they could for public safety. “As with any incident involving munitions, the relevant safety protocols were followed to ensure there was no risk to patients, staff or visitors at any time.”

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