Mario Iglesias had reportedly been partying for a solid week before he ended up in a laundromat. While distracted by the boredom, he suddenly became totally convinced the bag of white powder laying unattended on the folding table was a big stash of cocaine. Hunter Biden recently confirmed that coke binges are seriously hard on a person’s brain cells, leading folks to do all sorts of strange things. Ones that have potentially deadly or criminal consequences. The Florida man allegedly had an episode that Hunter can totally relate to, after crawling the carpet for pieces of Parmesan to pop in the crack pipe a time or two himself.
A big pile of cocaine
Unconfirmed reports floating around the interweb describe how a Florida man was hospitalized “after he mistook several pounds of laundry detergent at a local laundromat for cocaine.”
The 47-year-old is quoted saying “he had been partying for the past week when he decided to take a break and wash his clothes.” The Miami resident admits his judgment may have been impaired at the time. He was drinking heavily too.
“I’d been snorting for days so when I saw a bag of cocaine lying next to me at the laundromat I just shoved my face in it and started snorting,” Iglesias told stunned reporters. His attending physician at the University of Miami Hospital thought he had seen it all, but this was a new one. He warns that the patient “is lucky to have survived.”
Mario agrees it wasn’t the smartest move but the initial rush was intense. “I definitely had a high from snorting the detergent but I realized something was wrong when I started bleeding from my eyes, ears and nails.” He was sure to express gratitude to the health care workers who saved his life. He shocked them in other ways too.
Snorting a big pile of Purex thinking it’s cocaine isn’t recommended because it can kill you. Iglesias found out that what doesn’t kill you makes you harder.
One of the “unexpected secondary effects” startled him as much as the nurses. “I had this huge erection for days. The nurses seemed to be very impressed” Iglesias chuckled.
Hunter and Malia know too
Not long after the Federal Bureau of Instigation took custody of Hunter Biden’s laptop, someone leaked a highly controversial photo. “A Twitter user [who may have been an FBI agent investigating the case] who goes by the name Old Row posted on the micro-blogging site a photo of cocaine and a black credit card that appeared to belong to Malia” Obama.
The laptop also contains “photos of a coke crazed Malia face down on Hunter Biden’s mattress.” The Imperial Palace is trying hard to get on top of the Hunter Biden scandal but just can’t seem to make that pesky laptop full of emails and drug laced pornography disappear.
Since they can’t deny it exists, it had to have been planted. Hunter didn’t take those selfies, they were planted there by Rudy Giuliani and the Russians. The scheme isn’t working but listening to Hunter try to explain it away is hilarious.
The 51-year-old admitted addict is peddling a new book. He told Jimmy Kimmel “he probably wound up smoking ‘Parmesan cheese’ while scrounging through his carpet looking for crack.” He went on to add, “I spent more time on my hands and knees picking through rugs, smoking anything that even remotely resembled crack cocaine.”
Besides the cocaine scandal, the real treasure trove on the laptop are the emails which lay out the Biden family pay-for-play scheme. Burisma paid Hunter Biden “as much as $50,000 per month” which “created an immediate potential conflict of interest” because his father was the “point man” on US policy toward Ukraine, Senate Republicans report.
“Other emails on the computer showed” business deals with China which provided “a 10 percent share for ‘the big guy,’ who was later confirmed by Hunter’s former business partner Tony Bobulinski to be Joe Biden.” Joe Biden knew all about it. Emails on the laptop prove that he was shaking Hunter down for half the take. Not only that, Both Joe and his brother Jim were also desperate for Hunter to explain why he’s not allowed to be alone in the same room with one of his young female relatives.